A couple of weeks ago I started posting under the hashtag #1oodaysofjoy on my instagram. This was to help me realise that bad days don’t mean a bad life and blah blah. I would find things that made me smile, things that made me appreciate life and post them.
This helped me deal with the anxiety I always have, I have long days of classes, deadlines, tests and trying to journal all this always overwhelms. I often fail dismally to love myself and do the small things “self-love” requires ; I skip meals and I am always in a rush in and out of my room- to class, to the lab, to a group meeting. I often forget to sit down and recharge. The hashtag was to help me keep track of what nice things big or small i did for me or someone did for me.
This week was different though, I actually stopped and realized I don’t have any joys this week. At the beginning of the week all I was looking forward to was getting home on Friday for my sister’s birthday- I am surprising her with her favorite cake and me of course. I went through Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and even now thinking of Friday and bus rides and where best to buy cake. This wasn’t joyful because it came with overwhelming sadness and homesickness and of course a huge desire to forward time.
I am sitting in the library right now, overwhelmed with emotion, I might have shed a tear or two in the past 3 hours I have been here. I feel an emptiness I cant explain. I texted my best friend “I am going through the most right now. I need a hug” and she asked what was wrong. I couldn’t answer her. I am sad because I cannot find any joy in today. I am spending my day in the library on the first floor with two other students who seem to be studying for a test. My mind is not on this assignment in front of me, the last thing on my mind is analysing the numbers in front of me.
The thing is I just realized that often times we live for tomorrow, for next week. This makes us not live in the now. I really hope all this makes sense. We discard what we are going through because we want to see what tomorrow holds. Who cares what happens today, tomorrow might be better, right? Right? Yea well I want to change that mindset. I want to find joy in waking up on time for class-which is a rarity in my case. I want to find joy in finding my favorite hotdog sauce at the fast food place, joy in finishing this assignment that’s giving me hell, joy in texting my crush, joy in cloudy days and snuggly socks and hot chocolate.
i think i stopped posting my joys this week because I have been doing it wrong, i looked for the big joys and not the small things. I wanted my joys to be acing a test, getting my certificate of completion for my internship when in actual fact joy should be and could be a text message from my mom or anything that made my heart warm. It could be a simple line from a poem. Joy doesnt have to be big, joy could be as small as the dot on my “i”.
I look forward to my joys. big or small.